Self-esteem reflects a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. So in the same line, mom-esteem would be how I judge myself as mother. My mom-esteem varies, depending on the time of the day, the time of the year. It varies from child to child. It is rarely constant. My good days would be like me, making time to teach the kids something(reading, math or Chinese) and knowing that they have learnt something out of it. My good days would be me taking the children out to the park and being able to see them laugh and smile while they play. My good days would be having a clean house, well-cooked meals and possibly some bakes done.
The truth is that it is really hard to hit all three aspects on entire day. Looking at my Key Performance Indicators and how I am faring against it, I would consider that my mom-esteem is pretty low. Often, I feel horrid when I see Ryan and Gillian at it again over some random useless toy. When some other mother tells me of how they only make meals from scratch, using only organic ingredients, I can feel that my mom-esteem tanking by the second. My mom-esteem truly takes a beating when my kids fall ill. That literally takes the cake.
Still, there are always small bursts of light that keeps me going. Like how Ryan ran to me before he went to bed last night, holding a Mother’s Day card that he made in school. There is a picture of him on the card, along with some pink, red and blue paper. On the paper, he wrote: ‘I love my Mummy because she tick(tickle) me.’ With that, Ryan wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and told me that he loved me. It was one of those Fridays where I felt boned-tired and maybe just emotional. I asked him if he loved me all the time, even when I am a bad mother?
‘Mummy, I love you all the time. Even when you are bad,’ he said to me, stroking my face.
‘Hmm… when is Mummy bad?’
‘When you don’t let me watch my television…. You watch too much TV(referring to the Great Interior Designer and The Voice) and I want to watch my dinosaur shows. But I still love you.’
It is nice to know that my only failings as a mother to Ryan is letting him watch his ‘Dinosaur’ shows and not the countless of lectures and scoldings that I give him on how sharing is important and how he should strive to be a good boy. It is not the boring lunch boxes that I prepare for him. Neither is it of me having to give him less attention as he has two other sisters. It is nice to know that kids are always so forgiving, so ready to love.