’84 was the year that I was born and so that makes me 33 this year. When I was a young girl, I would have thought 33 was ancient. Now, I am 33. I wonder where had those years gone to.
A few years back, I wrote a blog post called The Murtaugh List when I turned 29. It has only been 4 years. While most points hold true for me, I feel different about some of them. Likewise, I would still pop that occasional Panadol when a headache comes. Metabolism is getting slower and hence, I am more selective of the food I eat. Just like before, I believe in ‘Now is always Better’. This mentality has been good in pushing me to look forward and reminisce less. But, today, for the sake of this blog post, I will be allowing myself some time to reflect, and look back.
Not sure if it is just age or me, I find myself becoming more introverted. I would imagine some of my friends scoffing at the thought of me proclaiming myself as an introvert. These days, I do appreciate spending time all by myself. On most days, I am so overwhelmed by the little ones, I hardly can hear myself think. Quiet is some sort of rare commodity. I like to eat alone. Shop alone. Read alone Basically, do things alone. As much as it is a zero-value activity, there is something therapeutic of being alone and watching people and time go by.
At 33, I feel the burden of a grown-up, of trying to be and look the part of a responsible parent. It feels hard. In my Murtaugh List, I mentioned in my last point that I am too old to pretend to be someone I am not. On hindsight, if I were to be left to be ‘me’, I would most likely to be a irresponsible person and parent. (Like just run off to the Caribbeans because I need a break. Haha. I am kidding, or not.) In some odd way or another, a certain level of social expectations can good. Because of all these ‘invisible rules’, I try to do the minimum so as not to be branded as a rogue mom- ensuring some sort of learning is taking place weekly for the children, getting the little ones eat as healthily by sneaking in some greens here and there. I try not to indulge in my emotions and be the cheerleader for the family. The children are missing their lives in London so much. I feel the same. But, we cannot have everyone throwing a pity party. Someone needs to take up this role as a grown up role and tell them, ‘It is better in Singapore!’, complete with the chirpy voice. So, some pretence is necessary in life, to move on.
If you have been following my Instagram, you would have noticed that I started running since returning to Singapore. As of today, I am at my 75th run and I am trying to get myself to eat smart and better? It is quite unlike me as I am a quite the sloth. My group of #fitmummy friends to managed to encourage me into changing my Ben and Jerry’s lifestyle- to be more active and be more conscious of the meals I have. (I am careful of using the ‘clean eating’ term since I realise it has some negative connotations.) So, I am not as fixated in mentality as I thought previously.
These days, because I am spending more time on Instagram than blogging, I do take more photos using the phone. The photos are less curated but meant more for documenting purposes. So unlike 3 years ago, I am more trigger-happy.
- I blog lesser and identify lesser as a blogger. Maybe I disagree with many things and with how things are being done. Perhaps, I just cannot keep up with the pace. So, yes, I am out.
- I still struggle everyday. From simple decision of whether to have that slice of chocolate cake(!!!), to type/colour of tiles I am using for my bathroom, to maybe why certain situations can be so out-rightly unfair, unbearable and no one sees it and the many uncertainties in my life. I question why God allows it to happen. I get mad. Depressed. Anxious. The cycle repeats and I pray, remember that God’s will is above mine. It is okay because God has given me so much and I should take count of my blessings.
- I will stay resilient. Because of my children. Because I believe that Jesus is there for me.
Happy 33rd Birthday, May Lee. It will be better! The best is yet to be!
Here’s to love, life and God!